Thursday, 27 September 2018

Potential Predator screenplay

Somewhat inspired by a video titled "Stop trying to make us like the Predator", I've come up with a rough idea for how the next Predator film should go.
In the near-ish future, the Earth is in peril. The environment has been badly damaged, and to try and compensate for this we reduced our farming of animals for food, but that hasn't helped enough.
We have expanded to have outposts on other planets, starting to abandon Earth. Nearby to one of these colonies, Weyland-Yutani have found a planet that is resource rich, and populated by extremely docile animals. A situation somewhat like when we discovered Dodos, there are no apex carnivores, so the planet is brimming with herbivores.
Of course, the company wants to take advantage of this situation, mining for resources and shipping these animals back to the colony for food. There is concern from some that they may be over-zealous, ruining the planet like we did Earth, others claiming that it's a gift from God and should be fully exploited.
Unbeknown to the company, the planet was essentially a Predator/Yautja farm.
Seeing us as a menace, some of the Predators follow the company ships back to the colony, and the hunt begins.
This group of Yautja ride some kind of live mount, and they control Xenomorphs using some kind of sonic technology.
They don't hunt us themselves, but instead watch the Xenomorphs do it to us.
Yes, this is a fox-hunting metaphor. In the interests of being balanced, well-meaning protesters will also get slaughtered.

Just to be clear:
Humans = foxes
Predators = humans
Mount = horses
Xenomorphs = hounds
Eden planet = hen house

Thursday, 21 June 2018

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

"Character development? Good writing? Dramatic tension? Pfft, who needs those?" - The screenwriters.

In Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom/Jurassic World 2/Jurassic Park 5, the island (Islar Nubar) which the Jurassic World theme park was on turns out to have a now active volcano, which is going to result in killing all of the dinosaurs on the island.
Claire Dearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) is now the head of some "Save the dinosaurs" group, including the only two members with speaking parts: Cowardly screaming black nerd, and angry female vet. Neither of them are at all likeable, and both are extremely annoying.
The US government is unwilling to try and save the dinosaurs (maybe after having this go wrong so many times in the past, their hesitance is justified? Nah, that won't get explored at all.)
Instead Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell) has bought his own island, and wants to have the dinosaurs shipped there for the sake of conservation. So he enlists the help of Dearing, who in turn gets Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) so they can get the velociraptor "Blue" from the previous film.
Of course, things are not what they seem, and things go wrong.

Overall, the film is atrociously bad, even worse that Jurassic World 1 (which was terrible) but to help explain why I'm going to need to go into spoiler territory.

If you don't want that: This is a badly written film, which tries to be meaningful and emotional, but fails in every aspect. The special effects are nice, but that is literally the only compliment I can give it. The writers have no idea how pack animals work, nor how to write a good screenplay.
The opening scene sets it up like a horror film, but the action is utterly bloodless, and the story utterly toothless.


First of all, Lockwood didn't need his own private island, as the company that owns Jurassic World (which Dearing was an employee of) also owns Ilsa Sorna, which is volcano free. But this was required to keep the idiotic plot moving forward.

In Jurassic World 1 the park had engineered the "iRex" (coming to an Apple store near you) - a hodge-podge of different dinosaurs and animals, with some velociraptor thrown in to make it even more intelligent and dangerous.
In this one they take the "iRex" DNA to make the "iRex 2" - it's the same, but has more velociraptor in it, in order to make it yet more intelligent and dangerous.
The conclusions are obvious:
  1. The more velociraptor DNA a dinosaur has, the smarter and more dangerous it is. Therefore, in a few films time, they'll make the most dangerous one possible: 100% velociraptor! (Oh, wait, they already have that, it's called a FUCKING VELOCIRAPTOR!)
  2. The writers love raptors so much that these films are obviously a way to make money so that they can eventually make a 100% film-realistic raptor sex doll that they can share.
This "iRex 2" eventually gets loose (of course), but only after literally mugging and winking at the camera. This isn't a scary film, this is a poorly written cartoon.

Throughout the film the characters are constantly trying to stop the dinosaurs going extinct again, ignoring the fact that PERFECT CLONING TECHNOLOGY EXISTS, so THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOING EXTINCT ANYMORE.
This because insufferably annoying at the end where, rather than letting these completely disposable, replaceable, and dangerous animals die, they decide to let them loose in populated urban areas. This makes literally no sense to do, and is a terrible idea.

A sequence when trying to capture Blue results in her savaging one of the soldiers who, despite being told not to, shoots her with a gun. Owen then gets angry and ATTACKS THE MAN WHO SAID NOT TO SHOOT as if it's his fault. The man defends himself (completely understandably), which then angers the angry vet. She raises her gun, but is surrounded by other people with guns, and tries to get them to lower them (as if they are the aggressors, which, again, they are absolutely not). She eventually lowers her gun, which mysteriously disappears from her hand in the next shot.
A little bit later Dearing complains about being double-crossed, with literally 0 evidence that she has been.
The whole sequence of being on the island makes absolutely no sense, is atrociously poorly written, and has some pretty awful direction.

Also, Lockwood's grand-daughter is actually a clone of his daughter. This information is not really important, but the film treats it as if it is, including a lingering shot on her eyes at the very end of the film.

Saturday, 15 July 2017

Sunny amigurumi

June was a busy month for me, and as I result I didn't get to go to the cinema - hence there being no film reviews.

They were rather sparse in the run up to June, too, but there is a reason for that.

In June each year there is Sunnycon - it's gone through a few name changes over the years (Sunderland Anime Convention, the Sunnycon Anime Convention, and now the Sunnycon Anime Expo) but there are a few consistencies. Namely that the mascot is a red-haired cat-girl cosplayer called "Sunny", and that the last day features a charity auction.

One of my hobbies is knitting and crochet. Often at work you can see me on my lunch break, either writing a blog post film review, or working with some yarn.

Late last year I was struck with inspiration. I wanted to make a doll of Sunny, and have it sold at the charity auction. I got to work, doing a bit here and there, occasionally getting bored at taking a break. But, as time wore on and the deadline approached, I had to dedicate more time to finishing it.
That is why the reviews largely stopped.

It was worth it, though. The doll sold for £40, and to someone who does seem to appreciate it (he created a Facebook page, featuring the doll touring various locations in the North East)

The pattern was mostly adapted from "AmiguruME" by Allison Hoffman, so it would feel wrong to make it wholly public (buy her book!)
Nonetheless I would like to describe what I can.

Basic body:
The head, body and dress were all patterns in the book, except I added some red edging to the dress.
I also made a collar with a bell, using red embroidery thread, and a tiny bell.

This was the pattern from the book, using white for the pants and flesh for the legs. At round 19 I switched to my own made-up pattern for the socks: It was the same pattern as before, but two rounds of white, two of black, repeated until the end.

I followed the pattern from the book, but I felt that the shoes weren't long enough, so I extended them by another 5 or so rounds. I used red yarn for the laces.

Similar to the basic arm pattern, but smaller (6 stitches rather than 8) and no decreasing to make sure it's just a tube.
Stitched onto the backside of the doll around where the coccyx would be.

Following the pattern as in the book (except maybe increasing a bit more), except stopping half way and changing direction. After attaching to the waist, making sure the split is at the tail, sealed up the skirt above and below the tail.

I spent weeks trying to get these right, but finally I figured it out - each ear consists of two triangles (one in pink and one in black) which are then stitched together using black yarn. Finally they are affixed to the head roughly along the line of where an alice band would be.

These were the basic pattern, but ignoring the thumb.
The gloves were the same pattern, maybe with an extra stitch or two to make it a tiny bit larger (to fit over the existing arm)
The fingers of the glove were the fingers from the Simon's Cat pattern but roughly half the size.
I did try crocheting the pads, but found the finger ones were too small and fiddly, and the large one ended up adding too much depth. It's also for this reason that I didn't do colour changes to make the pads (i.e. on the fingers it was a single stitch, which looked out of place)
As such, the pads were pink felt stitched on with normal thread.

This was the belt pattern, but extended both in width and length. After attaching it to the body, I formed it into a bow at the front, and stitched it in place.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

The Fast & The Furious 8

The Fast & The Furious 8 is (shockingly) the 8th film in the Fast & The Furious franchise, and was marketed as F8 (FĂȘte) of the Furious in America.

Despite the marketing, and the fact that it features a fair number of British actors (and actresses), it does not unfortunately feature Vin Diesel winning a coconut shy, or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson correctly guessing the weight of a fruit-cake.

Instead you will get:
Hilariously impossible car-based stunts;
Car chases;
Vin Diesel mumbling about the importance of family;
James Bond-esque escapades (esquepades?);
Wonderfully self-aware jokes;
Intentional comedy;
Maybe unintentional comedy;
A Paul Walker tribute of some kind;

I'm not even joking about the James Bondness - at one point the film even pulls the same plot twist from Spectre, except in this film it is convincing and makes sense.
This is a better James Bond film than the most recent James Bond film!

The expansion of the cast is not as problematic as you might imagine - by having as many different action stars from different genres as the film does, it allows the film to appeal to many different tastes. You want martial arts? We've got that. You want wrestling-style action? That's in there, too! Guns? Yeah, we've go loads of gun action!

As always with this franchise, this film is not the most intelligent, or even most believable, but it is exceedingly good fun, and entertaining as hell.

Thursday, 25 May 2017

Alien Covenant

Do you remember M Night Shyamalan? He made a big splash with The Sixth Sense, the twist at the end shocking a lot of people. Not only that, but on subsequent watches, the twist continued to make sense - yes, there are some scenes where it's a bit of a stretch, but it mostly worked.
He then did another film with Bruce Willis - Unbreakable. It was not based on a comic book, but was very much of that genre. It was a great pseudo-comic book film at a time when comic book films were mostly awful. It, too, featured a twist. While the twist wasn't great, the film beforehand was, so it was overall a really good package.
Then he continued to make films, relying on the concept of having a surprising twist at the end. The stories became a method for delivering the twist, rather than being good stories. He even made a navel-gazing film, which was infinitely less meaningful than he thought it was or intended it to be.
He went from amazing, to awful. From intelligent to stupid. It was hugely disappointing.

This is now how I feel about Ridley Scott.

Alien Covenant is the latest film in the Alien/Prometheus "totally not an Aliens prequel... ok, it is" franchise.
It is terrible, but to describe why I'm going to have to go into spoilers.
Before I get to those, I will say that there are a lot of phenomenally good practical effects. Some of the visual effects are absolutely amazing.
However, there are a lot which are also unbelievably bad. Especially when it comes to the titular Alien(s). The issue is that, even if the good effects outweigh the bad, the bad are far more noticeable and memorable.

Is it scary? Not even slightly.
Is it tense? A little bit.
Is the acting good? Yes.
Is the script good? Hell no.
Is it worth it? Absolutely not.

The first half hour or so is fantastic, and then the film takes an absolute nose-dive. The strength of Alien was that it was a horror effecting the characters despite them (mostly) being sensible. This film involves horror effecting the characters because they have all been lobotomised, presumably. I definitely do not recommend this film.


The film starts off with a scene of David (played by Michael, the Bender of Fass) first being activated and interacting with Peter Weyland (Guy Pierce), with heavy-handed metaphors a plenty.

We are then introduced to David's next iteration, Walter, working on the colony ship Covenant (with a crew of 15)
The ship is hit by a disaster, and after repairs they receive a signal from another planet. Their mission is to head to one 8 years away (which has never been visited, but was found via scans) and this new one is a week away (missed by the scans). Considering their predicament, they decide to head to the new planet.

They land on the planet and go exploring without any form of hazmat suits!
I honestly cannot describe how utterly, ridiculously, unbelievably moronic and unrealistic this is. Unfortunately, the film just gets worse from here.

Before I pointed out the crew number of the ship. I would say this is important, but apparently the film doesn't think so. Once the characters start dying off, the main actress mentions how many deaths there have been so far (which would put the crew count at 14)
Not only that, but later on there is a picture of the whole crew, and there are only 14 people in the picture! Maybe I miscounted, maybe the 15th is the camera man, or maybe one of the crew got killed so hard that they were retroactively wiped from history. I guess we'll never know.

After getting infected by tiny organisms that eventually hatch into Aliens (yes, really) - which is something that would have possibly been avoided had the crew taken even the tiniest of precautions - the surviving crew meet David/Blatant Satan metaphor who takes them to a massive space jockey temple. The temple is littered with corpses, would have been easily spotted from the air (but wasn't), and no one asks any questions about it!

David arrived ages ago, killed all of the jockeys using the virus-vase things and then settled down in the temple. He murdered Shaw from Prometheus in order to experiment with the virus. He even goes so far as to "cross-breed" the pathogen... with itself, which doesn't make much sense at all.

He's finally managed to develop them to the point where we have the eggs like in Alien, despite not having a queen to lay the eggs.

Despite admitting all of this to one character, said character still trusts him when he says the eggs are safe to put his face directly into.

Later, it's left mysterious as to who survived a particular fight - David or Walter. Except it's not mysterious, it's incredibly predictable and cliched.

The final annoyance is related to that "reveal" - David now has to somehow get tons of the eggs onto a space jockey ship, have it piloted by a space jockey, have it crash on LV-246 and have it stay long enough for the jockey to mummify, for the other films to make sense. Unless this is a reboot. A really bad reboot.

Seriously, it's difficult to describe exactly how unbelievably awful this film is.

Thursday, 30 March 2017

Pete's Dragon (2016)

I only recently watched the original Pete's Dragon, a technicolor musical about an orphan sold into slavery and his pet dragon. Upon escaping from his captors Pete and the titular creature go to a sea-side town, getting into mischief and befriending the lighthouse keeper. However, Pete's owners are looking for him, and there is a greedy snake-oil salesman who sees a money making opportunity in capturing the dragon.
The songs were good, the acting was not subtle, and the villains were moustache-twirling (in one case, very literally) - but it was a thoroughly enjoyable film, very much of it's time.

Disney's odd fascination with remaking it's classic films to be "grittier" continued with a 2016 version.
The film is immediately more on-the-nose, as we meet Pete as a very young boy, orphaned by a car crash, and then lost in the woods for years. Cut to a few years later, when the forest is being cut down by a logging company, and Pete is discovered.

The characters all react fairly naturally - Pete's taken in with the caveat that he'll be handed over to social services; Dr Judge Bones (Karl Urban) is initially curious as to what could be knocking down the trees (that haven't been cut) and eventually evolves it into a money making scheme, without being over the top.

In essence, the characters are written believably, and the acting is definitely not hammy (much as I enjoy ham).
The special effects are a weak-point, but I was absorbed enough in the film that it eventually stopped bothering me, looking more like moss than polygons.

It's very different to the original, such that by seeing one you don't feel like you've seen the other. If you get the time watch both, but maybe not in a small timeframe.

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

The Lego Batman Movie

The Lego Batman Movie is, I suspect, a pseudo-sequel to "The Lego Movie", which was awesome.
 Will Arnett (Job from Arrested Development) reprises his role as Lego Batman, the arrogant loner who graced us with the greatest song ever written:

The story is multi-faceted, but largely boils down to Batman needing to learn the importance of teamwork, family, and hatred.
Hatred? Why, yes. One of the driving forces behind the story is that the Joker's relationship with Batman is metaphorically almost sexual in nature, and it is utterly hilarious!

Part of the joy of the writing of this film is how it is aware of the inherent silliness of Batman, while also crafting an interesting and emotionally engrossing story.
The silliness is also enhanced by factors that make me think of it as a pseudo-sequel to the Lego Movie. Those facts are that Gotham is described as being built upon a delicate platform above a void (i.e. a table) and that when characters shoot guns the voice actors make "pew pew" noises - almost as if it's people playing with toys, but it's not explicit.

There is also an odd fascination with Michael Jackson, having both in your face and subtle references. For example, see the choir of children singing "Yeah, Charmone!"

The only real negative point that I can think of is that some of the jokes don't mix well together. A specific example is a point where Batman excitedly asks if he will work with the Suicide Squad, and then around 20 seconds later says that the concept of bad guys being used to fight bad guys (e.g. Suicide Squad) is a moronic idea.

This is a wonderful, exciting and hilarious film. The jokes are relentless, and are mostly brilliant. It's not as good as The Lego Movie, but is still amazing fun.